
Ok, so for those of you who know me well, you know I can be a bit fiesty (alright so that may be a little mild ;). I had a rough day and somethings been bugging me so bad that it's keeping me up at night. It's also got me back into the blogging world. What a nice way to step back and gain perspective while getting updated on all my friends and loved ones lives.
I was sooooooo sick the first 4 or 5 months of this pregnancy. It really was kicking my butt like no other pregnancy has (although I remember being downright dog tired with maya) but this one.... I just feel like an old lady, old, old, old at 32 ;).
I am finding that I really have missed the chance that a blog gives me to reflect on life. As a kid, I was pretty good about keeping a journal, for a long time Scrapbooking was my release and then after LP blogging was a great fit.
So something happened yesterday that has had me so worked up, I felt like I needed to write it down to try and purge it from my system and more importantly to gain some clarity. I wondered whether I should just put it on my personal blog but decided I really would love some other mommy advice - if nothing more than some honest friends who can tell me if I'm just a crazy momma bear or if there's a reason I'm feeling so impassioned.
So the kids have been taking these "survival swim lessons'. They are intense, one-on- one lessons where they focus on really getting them to swim - no floaties or anything. They have you come everyday for the first 2 weeks (monday-friday). Dax started the first of May and it was so tough watching him struggle. The first day I was in tears and Justus was laughing but I could see why they are strict and he survived. The other kids were in school, so Dax did the lessons with his cousin makeila. I have really enjoyed watching his progress and have told many people about the program.
Kai, Maya and especially Te were so jealous that Dax got to go. They were excited for when they got a chance to learn to swim too. Te was even trying to talk me into checking him out of school so he could go to Dax's lessons :). They started this week. I knew that Te would struggle because the poor little kid is so like me. He doesn't like his head under water and gets a little panicky. He's also such a people pleaser, I knew it would stress him if he had a hard time. But Maya and Kai have always been such fish, just like their dad, so I figured that they would take to it all pretty well.
The first couple of days went like I thought they would, it was a challenge for Maya and Kai but they were enjoying it and Te was having a bit of a struggle. He was now trying to talk me into just one week of lessons "it'll save you money mom".
Then today came :(. Te was at karate kamp with uncle dallas and his lesson was during the very last hour of kamp. We went to pick him up and he was so sad to miss out on the final part of kamp, we decided to let him stay and decided to have Maya just do 2 classes (her swim class and Te's).
This was the first time Justus came to see the older kids and I'm glad he was there. Maya was with Te's teacher today and part way through the lesson she started floundering in the pool. Her teacher started aggressively working her and forcing her to put her head under for 4 seconds, then up for 1 to catch a breath. She started screaming "mom, mom, help" which is so hard to hear. But I know that part of their process is being forceful and partly breaking them down to be receptive to learning. I started getting teary eyed and then it just kept going. I heard her saying "please stop, I'm scared" and I was just dying. It just goes against every mommy instinct in my body to not jump my big fat prego body into the pool and pull her out.
But like I said, Dax had gone to over 20 classes, I had watched numerous other kids and had grown to trust the process. This time though, I just couldn't shake it. She had her start swimming back and forth and would make her restart if she didn't do it the way the teacher wanted and I could tell maya was so scared and so tired. This is my tough kid, this is the one who thrives on a challenge. At this point I was really trying to do everything I could to not just fall apart.
Is this mommy hormones I wondered?
Don't make a scene!
Be strong I kept telling myself.
Once the poor thing got out of the pool, she looked like a drowned rat. Her cheeks were flushed and she was breathing so hard that I thought she would hyperventilate. I wrapped her in a towel and then just held her. As soon as justus had kai out of the pool, I handed him maya and had to head out to the car. I was a mess and knew I couldn't hold it together any longer. I got into the back seat so I could hold maya. As soon as the door shut I just started sobbing but trying not to let her see me so upset. I need to get my barings and try and understand if I was overreacting and just being a momma bear.
But an hour later her cheeks were still flushed and I was still disturbed.
The more I thought about it the more confused I was. I know this was just her 4th class and her first time with this teacher, maybe the teacher thought she was being defiant but I know my Maya and know that she was trying her hardest AND was scared to death.
As I lay in bed I just kept replaying it. I feel it is so important to not just let my kids give in because something is hard. There's the saying, sometimes you have to hurt to grow. But the feelings of protectiveness, confusion and guilt just keep nagging me. I finally took a sleeping pill at midnight but then on my nightly 4am pregnant trek to the bathroom, I was dreaming about this swim lesson. After my potty break, I was all wound up again.
I know some of our instincts we have to overcome, as they are part of the "natural man". But does this keep nagging me because it's some other more powerful instinct or even the spirit telling me to not let it go???
We try and teach our kids to be respectful to teachers, adults and others but am I teaching her to not respect herself by encourage her to going through that experience again? I don't feel that I trust the intentions at the swim class yesterday were so much to help her in the long run as they were to try and break her spirit and for the teacher to exercise control. In life I don't want her to just sit back while someone is mean to her or bullying her. I don't want her to just fight or lash out at anything but she also needs to trust herself and her instincts to get out of a situation that isn't healthy.
I also know that she is going to have to deal with people and situations in life that ARE hard and unfair. We can't shield her forever and I don't want to. I want her to be able to take a tough situation on and not let it defeat her.
We also try and teach the kids that they need to follow through, even when it's tough. So am I teaching her the wrong things if we quit this?
It seems so trivial and I feel that I should be grateful if these are the things I worry about but it's been a LONG TIME since I have been this torn up about something. I just can't shake it.
Am I letting my prego horomones get to me?
Am I just a bit to fiery of a filipino to think rationally?
Should I be stressed?
If you made it through this far of this insane post, any advice would be so appreciated by your little (well not so little 7 month pregnant) brown friend.
Confused in Orem,
katrina